


when in doubt, spin.

by euthasia



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Artist Steve Rogers, Autism, Autistic Bucky, Birthday Presents, Fluff, Happy Stimming, M/M, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Science Nerd Bucky Barnes, Steve is a good boyfriend, Steve was in the army, Stimming, Tony Is a Good Bro, even if they're just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 05:13:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17933504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euthasia/pseuds/euthasia
Summary: Steve might never be able to explain to other people how happy Bucky makes him, but luckily there's only one person who needs to know.





	when in doubt, spin.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> I don't normally leave long notes at the beginning of my stories, but I wanted to let you know that the first part of this story deals with ableism from a secondary character. It's nothing too heavy, but if that makes you uncomfortable you can skip it and go straight to the fluff after the three asterisks (***).
> 
> See you in the end notes!

Steve knew how curious people could be. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, or at least not all the time; he was so used to receiving weirdly inappropriate questions that he mostly couldn’t even find the energy to feel annoyed anymore. There were the people from his past, acquaintances at most, who apparently felt compelled to point out to him how much taller and stronger he’d gotten since high school, asking how he had accomplished to get so big, like they were expecting him to share some secret antidote to scrawniness. Then there were the people who, once they found out he’d been in the Army, immediately started asking if he’d ever killed anyone, or if it was true that most soldiers came back crazy. All of this bothered him, but not to the point of exasperation. 

There were people, though, who still managed to make him furious and left him bitter for hours afterwards: those who asked about his boyfriend.

It’s not like Steve was ashamed of him. Bucky was an amazing person. He was smart, and naturally funny, and so beautiful he took Steve’s breath away. He was the best partner Steve had ever had, so there was no reason for him not to brag about his best guy to every living soul he met. The problem was… well, everyone else, apparently. People just loved to offer their opinions on his love life, even, or especially, if unwanted. 

Which is why it had taken him at least two days to decide if calling Julia, his co-worker, about the new science exposition in town, was going to be worth it. On one hand, the tickets had been sold out for at least two weeks, and no amount of begging or contracting had led him any nearer to his goal. Julia’s husband was one of the curators of the exposition, so calling her was probably the best shot he had left. On the other hand, Julia would surely ask questions, since everybody at the art department knew how little Steve cared for science. In the end, it had been Bucky’s constant chatter about all the panels he wished he could see that had convinced Steve it probably would be worth it to try. 

He’d been wrong, of course.

«Is this for that boyfriend of yours?» Julia asked, as soon as Steve brought up the subject. Even before he confirmed that the tickets were indeed for him and Bucky, Steve already knew what was going to come. 

«But isn’t he… you know… I thought he was autistic? They can’t really go out much, can they?» 

The worst thing was, Julia wasn’t even trying to be offensive. She just didn’t know what she was talking about, and Steve couldn’t really get mad at that, even if the implication behind her words (or worst, her pitying voice) made rage boil inside his belly. But the worst was, she wasn’t finished.

«By the way, I think what you’re doing is really beautiful. Trying to get him out in the world, I mean. It must be hard, putting up with his… problems.» 

And right then, Steve felt like he could hate her for insinuating that anything about Bucky needed to be “put up with”. Like he wasn’t the luckiest man on Earth, like he wasn’t the happiest he’d ever been in his life, just thanks to his boyfriend. 

«You know what? Thanks for your help, but I think I’ll find those tickets myself.» He bit out, just barely managing not to scream at her in frustration. He would find some other solution, like he always did. It didn’t matter that Bucky’s birthday was the following day, and that he still didn’t have a plan b. Surely Julia couldn’t be the only person with connection that he knew, right? There must be someone…

It was then that he remembered. How had he not thought about asking Tony Stark?!

 

***

 

The following day Steve worked hard to prepare the best romantic dinner he could think of. As soon as he woke up he texted Bucky to wish him a happy birthday, and got a bunch of heart emojis as an answer; he knew then that it was going to be a good day. 

He cleaned his entire apartment, then spent three hours with every single window open since Bucky hated the smell of bleach. In the meanwhile he baked heart-shaped cookies, managing to only burn one batch out of four, then he went out to get flowers (pink and blue flowers, to be exact; never orange or yellow, because those made Bucky’s skin itch). By then it was afternoon, so he changed his sweaty shirt and put on a nicer one, and finally got to the best part: cooking. Nothing made Steve happier than preparing a good meal for his boyfriend, especially because most of the time it was Bucky who wanted to cook for him– and let’s be honest, Steve was never going to say no to Bucky’s homemade pizza. 

Steve could feel himself grow more and more excited. He barely remembered to put the wine into the fridge to cool down, then he got sauce all over his pants and had to change again, one eye always plastered on the clock to check that he wasn’t running late; by the time dinner was ready and everything was in order, he felt like he’d run to the moon and back. The only doubt he had left was about music. Bucky loved music most of the time, but Steve knew the evening was already going to be full of excitement and surprises, so it could easily end up being too much. After a brief moment of indecision, Steve texted his best friend Sam, who suggested him not to put on music at the beginning and then ask Bucky if he’d like some later on. Of course, Sam was always right. 

Finally, finally, Steve heard knocking. It was exactly one minute to seven. 

Opening the door and seeing Bucky there was always going to be his favourite part of the day. He looked beautiful; or better, he always did, but even more right then, with that soft-looking grey shirt that brought out his eyes and with his hair neatly combed out of his face. He was smiling wide, rocking on his feet like he did when he was excited.

«Hey Buck. Can I hug you?» Steve greeted him. Bucky’s nod was so fast that it made him chuckle, but he lost no time and brought his boyfriend into his arms. Bucky snuggled up to him, humming happily against his chest and murmuring that he had missed him, and Steve just stopped for a moment to think about how lucky he was, to be with someone who was able to make him feel so warm and loved with the simplest gestures. 

They sat down to have dinner. Steve’s culinary experiment was a success, and he couldn’t help but feel proud when Bucky let out a long moan after tasting the first forkful. «Steve, you have to give me this recipe. It tastes amazing.» The brunet complimented him. 

They talked while they ate, talked about their week, about work, about Bucky’s sister and Steve’s mum, and then Bucky told Steve all about a new article on quantum mechanics that he’d read that morning, something way too complex that Steve tried to follow but mostly didn’t understand. He didn’t mind it, though, he loved how smart his best guy was and he knew that Bucky would explain it all over again for him if he asked; and after all, Bucky didn’t mind hearing about the pieces of art he was working on, despite having no artistic knowledge whatsoever. They were so enthralled in their conversation that they ended up stuffing themselves with way too much dessert, and right when Steve thought he couldn’t eat another bite, Bucky produced a slice of Steve’s favourite cake literally out of thin air. 

«Oh, c’mon! We’d agreed that tonight was my turn at spoiling you!» The blonde laughed, but Bucky knew it was a joke and Steve was not really mad, so he laughed too, then whispered: «You don’t get a whole evening. I always want to spoil you.» Steve’s heart stuttered at those words, and they exchanged a kiss that left them both with dopey grins on their faces. Steve watched his boyfriend, as he delightedly flapped his hands for a moment. 

At the beginning of their relationship Bucky had been embarrassed of his stims, trying to hide them as much as possible and stressing himself out over it; of course, it eventually came to the point where the need to stim and the anxiety about not letting himself do it had sent him straight into a meltdown. They’d had a very serious conversation after that, and Steve had asked him to never suppress his stimming when they were together ever again.

To be sincere, Steve found it all unbearably cute. Sure, he didn’t like it when Bucky stimmed because of anxiety or fear, but that was because he never wanted his boyfriend to suffer, not because the gestures bothered him. Bucky’s happy or excited stimming, though, was so beautiful and pure to see that Steve couldn’t help but feel joyful himself.

They ended their evening on the couch, Bucky laying down on his back with Steve comfortably wrapped all around him, much warmer and heavier than all the weighted blankets he owned. They cuddled for a while, exchanging lazy kisses and soft touches, until Steve gently tapped on Bucky’s cheek to claim his full attention. «Buck, I’ve got a present for you.» The way Bucky’s eyes immediately lighted up was just a preview of what was to come. 

«Remember when you told me about the science exposition that had gone sold out before you could buy a ticket?» Steve said, enjoying the way his boyfriend immediately sat up straight, his hands vibrating like dragonfly’s wings. When Steve placed the two tickets in the brunet’s lap, he was nearly deafened by the loud squeal that left Bucky’s lips.

«Steve! Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!» Bucky almost screamed, so full of thrumming energy that he looked like a rocket ready to launch. «We’re going together?» 

«Yeah, Buck, I’d love to come with you.» Steve beamed at him. He’d have to remember to thank Tony again when they saw each other. Right then he noticed how Bucky’s rocking had picked up a notch, and he gently took the tickets out of his hands, knowing that the fond smile on his lips would be enough to tell Bucky it was okay to get up and spin in the middle of the room, hands still flapping like he was going to fly away at any second. 

Steve really didn’t know what stimming felt like, just like he could only rely on Bucky’s descriptions to understand most of what happened in the brunet’s head. However, he did know what it felt like to feel so blessed and happy that he was scared his heart was going to explode, so absolutely overjoyed that he feared his body wouldn’t be able to contain all of his soul: that was how Bucky made him feel. 

Waiting for his boyfriend’s excitement to die out, he found himself thinking that he probably would never be able to explain any of that to Julia, or to all the other people in his life who had so often misunderstood his relationship. They always talked about Bucky like he was a weight to bear, like adjusting to his needs was a sacrifice, like his differences made him a weirdo instead of just unique. But how could they analytically compare the pros and cons of being with someone, like love was just supposed to be a mathematical equation? And how could Steve quantify the joy Bucky gave him every single day, to show more clearly that no number of incidents or inconveniences was ever going to get as high? How could he tell people that there, in that exact moment, with Bucky happy stimming in his living room and a belly full of cake, he felt at home? 

He didn’t have the words for that, but luckily being with Bucky had taught him that maybe he didn’t even need them. Sometimes, words were overrated. To show happiness, it was enough to spin, spin, spin.

**Author's Note:**

> First disclaimer: English is not my first language and I don't have a beta, so I'm sorry for any mistakes or typos. If you could point them out to me, that'd be really nice. :)
> 
> Second disclaimer: I don't have autism. I don't personally have friends or relatives with autism (not that I know of, at least). So my knowledge of what autism is and of how it can present comes from books and from the internet. Please tell me if you find anything in my representation of Bucky that you think is inaccurate or just plain wrong, I'd be more than happy to change it (and educate myself).
> 
> And in the end, the reason why I wrote this little story: doing some research the other day I came across the expression "happy stimming" for the first time in my life. I already knew what stimming meant, but I had always associated it with anxiety and negative situations only, I had never realised that it could be connected to feelings of excitement and happiness too. That really made me think, and not even five minutes later I was on the internet googling: "happy stimming in non-autistic people".  
> That's how I found out that I have been happy stimming my entire life ahahah! I've always considered myself neurotypical, and I only stim because of positive feelings, so I had never connected the dots, but now soooo many things make sense!  
> I remember when I was a kid I used to stim a lot when excited, especially clapping/rubbing my hands and… shaking? vibrating? rocking? I don't even know how to call that. Everyone would make fun of me because of how "weird" it looked and my parents kept telling me to stop, so I eventually managed to refrain myself, but I could never actually stop it and it's still something that I do a lot, mostly when I'm alone, and it feels sooo good! Now that I'm really thinking about it, there are so many things that I do that could be considered stimming. I mean, just yesterday I talked with a friend of mine and she told me that she had noticed how I tend to jump up and down or flap my hands when I talk about something I'm really passionate about and I'd never realised that.  
> So yeah, after this discovery I felt compelled to write something with some happy stimming in it, indulging myself by writing Steve as supportive as I wish everyone else was. 
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry, this really got too long. Please let me know what you think! I hope you have a nice day :)


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